I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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