Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
