I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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