6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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