she looked like the before picture.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
