how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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