I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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