Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
