see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
