The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
