sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
