Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
