So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
