i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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