Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
