Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
