You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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