my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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