I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
