Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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