Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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