Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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