the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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