I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
