fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Randomize
