so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
