Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
