Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
