A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
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