i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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