My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
