i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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