Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
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