I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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