You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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