why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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