You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
