It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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