Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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