So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
