it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
