I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
