brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
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