my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
