How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
