i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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