Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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