I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
