When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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