I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I love how my cats smell like pot.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
