you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
