So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
